My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
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Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Shoo shoo! 😂
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
My dog after a walk in the woods.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
New Tinder profile.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes