@TravLeBlanc

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

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@SummerSongGirl

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

@ruinedpicnic

parents, think twice before dressing your child as Cecil the Lion this year. my son will be dressed as a dentist, and I gave him a real gun

@Parkerlawyer

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

@DangOlWill

*Bad guy in pokemon voice* i want to end all life *after losing a fight* well fair’s fair here’s twenty dollars

@70Ceeks

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

@karencheee

Why do people say children are the future? They are clearly the present. Old people are the future.

@AlexvanBeek

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

@SortaBad

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

@TCsSideBitch

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead