Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Me buying fruit and veg
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
How about daylight saves us for once
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”