Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

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My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo


parents, think twice before dressing your child as Cecil the Lion this year. my son will be dressed as a dentist, and I gave him a real gun


Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.



*Bad guy in pokemon voice* i want to end all life *after losing a fight* well fair’s fair here’s twenty dollars


I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans


Why do people say children are the future? They are clearly the present. Old people are the future.



If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.



Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?


*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead