I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
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A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
nature’s most graceful animal
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Important reminders
the #horror is real!