Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

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You said you wanted a video of me eating a banana. Nothing about me not slicing it.


Me: 🎵Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near🎵

Roadkill: …


Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.


My wife just walked into a huge spider web.

She is now a black belt in karate.


If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.


The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.


“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day


3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard