Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
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Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs