@samalmightysam

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

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@kwirkyKerri

You said you wanted a video of me eating a banana. Nothing about me not slicing it.
YOU’RE WELCOME.

@EyalTweet

Me: 🎵Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near🎵

Roadkill: …

@PajamaStew

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

@Alex_LaVallee

My wife just walked into a huge spider web.

She is now a black belt in karate.

@rodney_at_large

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

@beefman138

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

@solsayswhaaa

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

@jollyrobber

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard