Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

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Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?


I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.


SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*


Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people


“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.


*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*


My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord


DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here


Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.