Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
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“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
hmmm
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
*offers Batman cough drops*