I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
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What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”