@kelkulus

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

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@sween

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

@PhilJamesson

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

@perlhack

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

@mrjohndarby

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

@WilliamRodgers

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

@Demented_Jokes

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

@tchrquotes

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

@Brampersandon_

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

@shaunmoynihan

An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey…