INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
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I don’t believe in mythical creatures like dragons, unicorns, Lock Ness Monster, drama free women.
Just joking, I believe in Nessie.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
All these fireworks and still my girlfriend has the shortest fuse.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?