I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
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me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
She called me ugly
I called her an ambulance
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey…