@kelkulus

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

You Might Also Like

@JB4Realz

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

@thatUPSdude

I don’t believe in mythical creatures like dragons, unicorns, Lock Ness Monster, drama free women.

Just joking, I believe in Nessie.

@carltonhimself

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

@Sophie2078

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

@Dpressedspartan

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

@Underchilde

All these fireworks and still my girlfriend has the shortest fuse.

@thedailymarker

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

@dorsalstream

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

@pittdave13

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?