Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
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And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.