Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

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It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.


Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.


One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement


*makes Transformer sound effects while I put my makeup on*


This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.


If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you’re not a threat.


No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….


“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book


“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago