women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
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[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
a lot to unpack here
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t