@buttsword

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

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@PaperWash

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

@XplodingUnicorn

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

@inanimatecorpse

I’ll write a song about you! What’s your name?

Horse: Agamemnon

Agana.. Anga… ang..

🎵I went through the desert on a horse with no name

@david8hughes

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

@WienerToboggan

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

@Average_Dad1

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

@tracietom

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

@tarashoe

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

@Y_U_Hayden

Just clicked on an ad that said “Free Albums Here” But It linked to a download of a Nickelback album. Would have rather just gotten a virus.