@juliussharpe

Women, don’t tell us about your boyfriend. He’s a guy. We know what he’s like.

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@dethbycofee

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

@Wussawilla

Remember when you first joined twitter and you had no idea how to RT or what favstar was and remembered what your family looked like?

@ObscureGent

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

@blade_funner

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

@therealeatwood

ME: Would you like a snack?

4: No. As a pure mathematical object, I require no physical sustenance.

@WildeThingy

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

@Mr_Kapowski

The tiny little pocket on a pair of jeans is great if you want to only be able to access your coinage by doing a handstand at a register

@Ygrene

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

@RickAaron

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.