Women, don’t tell us about your boyfriend. He’s a guy. We know what he’s like.

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Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.


How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it


[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…


Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller


I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.


*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3


Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.


I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.