@juliussharpe

Women, don’t tell us about your boyfriend. He’s a guy. We know what he’s like.

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@nnnatchos

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

@BoogTweets

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

@ThePoke

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum

@PaperWash

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

@aksorojas

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

@lecalabara

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

@birbigs

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

@AsgardianRose

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.