i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Women, don’t tell us about your boyfriend. He’s a guy. We know what he’s like.
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Remember when you first joined twitter and you had no idea how to RT or what favstar was and remembered what your family looked like?
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
ME: Would you like a snack?
4: No. As a pure mathematical object, I require no physical sustenance.
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
The tiny little pocket on a pair of jeans is great if you want to only be able to access your coinage by doing a handstand at a register
I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my brother.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.