Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
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Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off