Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
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[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
my astrological sign is a french fry
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.