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UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I can fix him.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.