@externaljew

Women have been deprived of pockets for so long that they’ve evolved to this level of grip strength

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@Ochayethewu

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

@TraciRos

I’m forever disappointed that a group of squids isn’t called a squad.

@TwinSurvivalist

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

@blazebabe42069

I’m 28, and to this day, my dad asks if I still listen to “shouty music”

@corinnemlwsw

I call my husband current…
He likes it better than number two.

@mack44_d

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

@Greg_1_Leg

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

@kimtopher22

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.