Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
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Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)