Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
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Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.