@MorganCO_B

Women like men with an accent, not an Axe scent

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@voguetony

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

@envydatropic

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

@c12h22o11balls

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

@FrazzleMyGimp

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

@Tarrigan

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

@Spaziotwat

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

@CulturedRuffian

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

@ImHopel3ss

My dealer said he’ll be here in 20 minutes with the best popcorn ever. We’re gonna watch a movie!