me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Women like men with an accent, not an Axe scent
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If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
Where would you like to go?
Get in the Spider Van.
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Looking for a +1 for my wedding.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
My dealer said he’ll be here in 20 minutes with the best popcorn ever. We’re gonna watch a movie!