[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
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Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
inside you are two wolves
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.