Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

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Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.


I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.



God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers


– Do you take a shower after having sex?
– Yes, of course.
– Well, how about getting laid a little more often.


*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets


Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.


I just yawned and then the guy on tv yawned and I didn’t even know that was possible