Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
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I have a place for everything. The floor.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
kitchen magnet
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof