women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
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My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
found this cool rock hiking today
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
My dad teaching me to drive
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy