Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
You Might Also Like
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I love the honesty
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.