Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
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In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring