Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
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Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Cause of death: Zumba
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado