(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
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CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Bonnie said I should join the Facebook like she did. Said its good way to get in touch with friends. Lord, at my age I’d need a ouija board
Biden: Eric Trump, you ugly…
Obama: Chill Joe..
Biden: You ya Daddy’s son!
Obama: Ayyyye !
for all #parents out there
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
What do we want?
A cure for short-term memory loss!
When do we want it?
When do we want what?
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Them: I’m so sorry!
Me: *checking that their concrete boots have set* It’s all water under the bridge.