Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
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I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
True
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out