@karanbirtinna

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

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@5hael

Once you go black, you can always go back to having coffee with milk, there’s really no set in stone rules here.

@DeadLioness

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

@Blue_Crab

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

@ginnyhogan_

someone suggested riding a bike during the pandemic wasn’t safe, as if I wasn’t obviously planning on wearing a condom

@theshamingofjay

It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

@citizenkawala

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

@ObscureGent

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

@petemandik

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.