Once you go black, you can always go back to having coffee with milk, there’s really no set in stone rules here.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
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Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
someone suggested riding a bike during the pandemic wasn’t safe, as if I wasn’t obviously planning on wearing a condom
It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*