@LoveNLunchmeat

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

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@hellohappy_time

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

@Darlainky

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

@charliesgonenow

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

@MartaEffing

I hate when I catch a bouquet at a wedding and everyone judges me for lighting it on fire.

@daemonic3

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

@WilliamAder

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

@OldUncleDaveO

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

@secondofhername

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.