Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
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[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I hate when I catch a bouquet at a wedding and everyone judges me for lighting it on fire.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.