Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
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I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.