Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.