I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
That’s what I call a flat tire
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?