Women say they like tall men and I’m probably 6ft 4″ in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet!

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Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.


My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.


me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!


[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”


On the sofa and hear boyfriend start laughing to himself in the kitchen.

Turns out he’d just learned that 88 couples have come out of quarantine in China and immediately filed for divorce


I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, “Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas.”


What do you call someone with no body and a nose? Nobody knows.


(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.