Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
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Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
You know I’m something of a chef myself
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
There’s no “u” in narcissist
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.