Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
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Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Happy thanksgiving!
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.