Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

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[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing


I don’t just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.


Hey, remember when AT&T told you to “reach out and touch someone” and you ended up with that restraining order?

Good times!


Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon: no


[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.


*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*


i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.


Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.


Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.


They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.