@o__0Dev

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

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@DanMentos

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

@cigarin

I don’t just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.

@Underchilde

Hey, remember when AT&T told you to “reach out and touch someone” and you ended up with that restraining order?

Good times!

@taxiderby

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

@capnwatsisname

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

@mjkspeaks

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

@diarrhea

i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

@SwedishCanary

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

@IamEveryDayPpl

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.