@o__0Dev

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

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@hansabumsadaisy

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

@Itskarleytime

Statistically humans have sex 104 times a year.

This is about to be a very wild 12 days.

@TheDailySchmuck

Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.

@DaHess1

Pizza will never tell you you’re fat unless you’re high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.

@Try2StopME

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

@AbbieEvansXO

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

@Jandalize

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

@Alvildalikely

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

@TheWeirdWorld

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.