Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

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My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.


Statistically humans have sex 104 times a year.

This is about to be a very wild 12 days.


Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.


Pizza will never tell you you’re fat unless you’re high as shit, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.


*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”


Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no


What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?


*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.


If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.