Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
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Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.