Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
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So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Omg 🤣
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.