Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Women Studies? im pretty good at studying women *leans against bookshelf knocking it over. Creates a domino effect that destroys t/ library*
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genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I’m just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Who is changing into a werewolf. Now I’m standing in front of a werewolf.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*
Now love me.
*my left eyebrow falls off*
*steps on a Lego*
*shouts a bunch of obscenities*
Son: *walks in* is football on?
Me: yeah, you like that?
Him: mmhmm yeah
Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
“Just be yourself” is great advice to maybe 12% of people.