Women Studies? im pretty good at studying women *leans against bookshelf knocking it over. Creates a domino effect that destroys t/ library*

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Now that my kids are getting older, I’m worried I’ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.


A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me “Where were you between four and six?” I replied, “Kindergarden”


Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?


Me: Lord, I saw one set of footprints in the sand

Jesus: That was when I carried you my child

Me: No, I mean now. Look – kind of like giant… clawprints?

Jesus: Oh shit he’s back

Me: lol w-

Jesus: [already sprinting away] SAVE YOURSELVES


The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.



Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb


Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog


DAD: Think an earthquake’s coming.

MOM: Check Rocky; dogs always know.

DOG *analysing seismic data*: I anticipate magnitudes of 6 or more.


People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.