Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

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WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try


Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday


When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.


I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.


*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats


A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”


*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”


“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.


Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.


I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.