WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
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Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.