Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
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me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*