@NotZaphod

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

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@seamussaid

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

@MrFornicator

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

@merrittk

i want a ghostbusters movie set in the immediate aftermath of the first one that’s about regular new yorkers grappling with the knowledge that the soul persists past the death of the body, but sometimes you end up as a green monster man

@carlyken

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

@GrantTanaka

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

@GrantTanaka

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

@IamEnidColeslaw

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

@karlainvt

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

@MelvinofYork

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.