It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
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I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.