“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
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7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
What?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
every college guy’s fridge
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.