Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
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Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
*3.5 thank you very much.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]