Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
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Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
🤣😂
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Put this video in the Louvre
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”