@rad_milk

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

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@PopeAwesomeXIII

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”329582967800336385″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”249″;s:5:”tweet”;s:138:”FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@kiralc

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

@HeroineAddict

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

@KeetPotato

“chill before serving” is the best advice I can think of if you’re an angry waitress

@Kyle_Lippert

Fun prank: Find a sleeping spider, crawl in its mouth and lay your eggs. Turn the tables. Give nature the finger. Live it up.

@ObscureGent

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

@sonictyrant

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

@sensual_dad

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials