@rad_milk

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

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@bornmiserable

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

@kumailn

And on the 8th day, He said “Oh I’ll make carbs delicious AND fattening LOL!”

@sickipediabot

Adele has announced that she will be singing the theme for the next James Bond film.

Diet Another Day will be released in 2014.

@daddydoubts

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

@spaceboyriley

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

@stevevsninjas

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

@ImMelanieGibson

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

@Corncleats

*flexing arms* I’d like you to meet my two good friends, Sledge and-

“Hammer?”

Holy shit that’s way cooler.. I was gonna say Sledge 2

@Keefler_Elf

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

@johndashgreen

Password must contain a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.