Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
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Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
sliding into dms like
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues