Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
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“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?