@Sir_Strange

Women who don’t even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder.

I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.

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@pittdave13

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

@IndecisiveJones

[day 1 of covid homeschooling]

me: alright, it says we have to do some-

8yo: *bursts into tears*

@hell_homer

kicked out of church. I yelled “YEAH WE “HAVE A MARIA”, SHE’S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD”. mustve gotten too close 2 the truth

@Contwixt

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

@GoldenSpirals

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

@Iennys

Him: ima call you at 11

Me at 11:01: all men do is lie

@PeaceInTruth1

Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir.

Me: Do you walk with a limp?

Telemarketer: No.

Me: Want to?

Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.

@AmishPornStar1

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

@AskinWayne

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.