Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Women who don’t even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder.
I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.
You Might Also Like
[day 1 of covid homeschooling]
me: alright, it says we have to do some-
8yo: *bursts into tears*
kicked out of church. I yelled “YEAH WE “HAVE A MARIA”, SHE’S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD”. mustve gotten too close 2 the truth
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Him: ima call you at 11
Me at 11:01: all men do is lie
Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir.
Me: Do you walk with a limp?
Me: Want to?
Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.