Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
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Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”