Women who don’t even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder.

I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.

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WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right


Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.


[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota


burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch


The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.


I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.


We can teach kids there’s no “i” in team but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no “a” in definitely.


I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.