WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Women who don’t even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder.
I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.
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Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
We can teach kids there’s no “i” in team but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no “a” in definitely.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.