@Sir_Strange

Women who don’t even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder.

I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.

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@BlindChow

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

@BuckyIsotope

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

@AHundredElbows

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

@OllyiConic

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

@sofarrsogud

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

@MissHavisham

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

@AaronFullerton

We can teach kids there’s no “i” in team but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no “a” in definitely.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.