Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they’re in for the rest of that day.
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Wife: “We’ve had too many children. Where will they all sleep?”
Husband: “I don’t know. Just stack ’em in the corners or something.”
– how bunk beds were invented
Maybe Canadians are nicer because they live closer to Santa.
son: what do you mean old mcdonald HAD a farm
son: what happened to the animals
son: did they die
me: old mcdonald did
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
More tattoo artists really just need to say “No, I’m not doing that.”
Idea for an app:
it’s basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight
The first rule of father club is “don’t tell your mother”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
19: Help me think of a tweet.
Me: I’m sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is.