@Qu4rtKn33

Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they’re in for the rest of that day.

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@mom_tho

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

@nappydolemite

Wife: “We’ve had too many children. Where will they all sleep?”

Husband: “I don’t know. Just stack ’em in the corners or something.”

– how bunk beds were invented

@Cryptic1iam

Maybe Canadians are nicer because they live closer to Santa.

@tweetsbyrocket

son: what do you mean old mcdonald HAD a farm

me: huh

son: what happened to the animals

me:

son: did they die

me: no

son: phew

me: old mcdonald did

@dongfuture

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

@jegheterbella

More tattoo artists really just need to say “No, I’m not doing that.”

@victt0ri

Idea for an app:

it’s basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight

@DaddyJew

The first rule of father club is “don’t tell your mother”

@ShortSleeveSuit

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

@Pee_And_Giggles

19: Help me think of a tweet.

Me: I’m sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is.

19: Maaaaa!