Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
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If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Happy Thanksgiving
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
so this horse walks into a bar
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.