@perfect_boxx

Women who want to renew your wedding vows….

Why not renew the bachelorette party? You’d probably have more fun.

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@SlenderSherbet

“Steve, Steve, mate, I’ve gone blind, where are you? Seen any bread yet?”

@WilliamAder

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

@Ygrene

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

@MunkMania

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

@iAmJuddy

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

@jus4golf

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

@UnFitz

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.