Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
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Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.