Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

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[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full


I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.


I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.


You kids have no idea how lucky you are. Back in my day we had to shave our jokes into the sides of cats and throw those cats at passers by.


Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.


Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.


The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.


At this point, I’m positive I’ve read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates.
*crosses off bucket list*


ME: [at a party] hey! wanna come back to my place and-
GIRL: hook up? sure!
ME: [sadly putting away two Yu-Gi-Oh! decks] oh. awesome