*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
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My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.