Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
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”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.