Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.